When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You Might Also Like
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
im 7 sauces long
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”