If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge