Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.