Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Every work call, he judges.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…