Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
You Might Also Like
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I see your IQ test came back negative
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.