Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY