Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Breaking news:
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.