My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’m giving up for Lent.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.