BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
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[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
all bases covered
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.