Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure