Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
That earthquake could have been an email.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.