ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
u spoke cat all this time??????
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early