In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.