My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
🙂🐾
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Good morning.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I have so many questions.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty