Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Worst bar ever.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Great Canadian literature.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath