Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
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When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Overindulged this afternoon.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.