‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Well, that should do it
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils