HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I love twitter
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
bury ourselves
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone