Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
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No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Wise advice
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.