Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
This forever.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.