Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT