Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards