When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?