[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Not today. 😅
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
She was REALLY feeling it.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Beware of fowl play.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.