The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
You Might Also Like
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.