They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt