My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.