Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
You Might Also Like
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes