Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
me when the borders lift
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude