where do you see yourself in five years?
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw