“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.