*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.