Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is