Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
we all know this pain all too well
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Ha.
Hotels are back
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.