I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Dear Lord..
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?