Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Pickled cat.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.