[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
The first one, obviously
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol