thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
You Might Also Like
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist