Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.