[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.