I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you