Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Velcrow
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
More like Kate Missington.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge