My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
groan^2
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.