Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
They got a point!
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.