i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Animal poetry
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.