#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
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I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.