Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.