ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’ll be mad as hell!
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.