I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.