I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight